Disappointment

Received an email last night from the agency. I had sent some questions through them to Uganda about "Doreen", the little girl we were hoping to adopt. After over a week of waiting, a response. Doreen is no longer available. That's it. Not anymore information than that. After 3 weeks of hoping she would be ours, she's not. How depressing. At the same time, how exciting that perhaps a relative has come to get her, she will not have to wait another day in the orphanage, ???? Glenn and I were in a glum mood last night, but know that it wasn't meant to be. I think we did a pretty good job of guarding our hearts knowing that, as the agency has said, "until they are on the plane with you, don't consider them yours".  However, it is still hard. You already have ideas of what life was going to be with that little face sitting in your car, wearing the clothes you've bought, or you reading a book to her. No matter how much you try to not get attached, it's still just plain hard. Of course, it leads me to question things too. Because we chose her which lead us to the agency and country, what if we strayed the wrong way? We can't switch agencies now, but we could switch countries. Maybe we should switch to Ethiopia because the stay when you go is much shorter and more reliable.  Maybe we chose the wrong agency. Maybe we just shouldn't look for a child too early because so much can happen in the months ahead that my emotions would be best to not be messed with.

The agency called today to follow up. She reminded me that we are dealing with foreign countries. That other countries besides America adopt from them and that the child is ultimately owned by the government. This means that no matter how much we can try to match ahead of time, things can happen completely out of anyone's control.I knew that, but really thought that the connection between the agency and the orphanage woud protect that from happening.  Of course I want to be mad at the agency. I feel like they should have known 3 weeks ago, or followed up in the last few weeks more effectively to know. But ultimately I think about the many blogs, forums, and websites I've read that constantly talk about the frustrations of adoption. The patience you need and the control you don't have. I am so thankful for my aunt. I just needed to talk about my frustrations so I called her on the way home from work today. She reminded me that all we can do is our part. Turn in our stuff, and pray. Papers might sit on desks for weeks without anyone seeing them, or they may even get lost. I've read countless stories of unfortunate situations, but did not know she had been through it more than once. With my last cousins, the paperwork sent to India got totally lost! They were in the middle of a move to another state and so when they had to resubmit it, they had to redo their homestudy for their current state. Wow! We are not even through the homestudy part. I can't imagine getting to that point and being back where are only are now. It was the perfect reminder how little control I have over any of this.
One of the verses I've been leaning on: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
—Proverbs 3:5